Welcome back to Bloggyversity, English Comp Class 10001.3b, “Writing With Power in Fiction”. Have a seat, as in right now, please. I need your full and immediate attention. We are, as usual, on a maximum 5 minute blog-hoppers’ attention span time limit. Plus I have another very important tea and crumpets date with Ms. Flanders in just a few minutes, so … stop with the freshman flirting and sophomoric shenanigans, turn off your ipods, cell phones, black and/or raspberries, stop with the twittering, get your faces out of Facebook, boot up your monitors, adjust your undies, scoot your bums into your seats and be still. I’m in no mood for your typical scallywag behavior. And if you’re good, I have some more of your favourites … those fresh-baked “Delightful Death by Chocolate” brownies for you all after class, courtesy once again of Ms. Flanders … god bless her.
Claaaass? I said QUIET!
Ahem. Now that’s more like it. Today I’d like to again discuss something we have covered before in this course, but needs more expanding on, that being using restraint in your writing. A sure-fire indication of an immature, novice writer, is the tendency to overwrite; to use extremes way too often in the descriptions of what is happening as the plot moves along. Think of it as – let’s use parenting as an analogy. You, the writer, are the parent, and your readers are the children.
If you are a parent who is quick to high emotion, easily excited, uses loud, harsh language and outrageous threats all the time to control your kids, well what happens, eventually, to your children? They become immune to the loud decibel levels, the constant haranguing, and all that … to the point where you have to hit them over the head with a frying pan to get them to sit up and pay attention.
If, on the other hand, you parent with controlled emotions, use an even, soft voice the vast majority of the time, and only threaten to exact punishment or disciplinary measures when the real intent is there and then follow through on your word, well … those children, when you raise your voice just a little, will sit up with perked ears and exclaim, “Wow! Better pay attention … Mom almost never uses that tone of voice.”
Get my drift? Here’s an example of unrestrained writing …
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John ran out the door as fast as he possibly could. Never in his whole entire life had he ever seen anything so horrible, so awful and terrifying. His blood pounded in his ears like it had never, ever, done so before as he raced with all his might down the street, demanding his legs to carry him away from the hideous scene as fast as they possibly could.
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Trust me, I’ve edited books for freshman authors who shout out their prose just like that. So stop chuckling at my blatant overwriting over-exampling. (wink) And imagine an entire book where everyone and everything happening is the mostest, greatest, fastest, unbelievably this or that ever in the whole world or lifetime of the character. It gets you numbed. There’s no room left to kick it up a notch, no gas left in the tank when you really need to accelerate your story, hmm?
Okay. Here’s the same passage, toned down, but still getting the point across.
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John fled out the door. Never had he seen anything so terrifing. His blood pounded in his ears as he raced down the street, commanding his legs to top speed, distancing him from the hideous scene.
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Much better, hmm? Did we miss any story? No. Do I have room left to up the intensity later? Yes.
Okay class, I am again extremely happy with your good behavior – the best I’ve ever known you to behave in my whole, entire life! (wink).
So. Help yourself to a brownie, and … huh?
What’s that? 
Oh yes, Ms. Flanders, sorry to keep you waiting, here I come.
Chow class, enjoy your treats, and blog back to class next Tuesday, be on time, too.
My, my, Ms. Flanders, you certainly look lovely today. Hm? What am I doing later this evening? Well, I was supposed to grade papers, but … why–what did you have in mind?
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Hilarious Hump Day – Courtroom Madness
For this week’s Hump Day jocundity I’m sharing some judicial ridiculousness. I came across these, which are actual transcripts, quotes from within the hallowed walls of our in-search-of-the-truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth courtrooms. Have a good laugh or twenty, lol.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
~~~~~
Can you believe it? Teehee – anyone else heard such nonsensical interchanges in our courtrooms?
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